


The Dreaded Day

by teaandcharcoal



Series: Trans!Dave [10]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: April Fools' Day, Earth C (Homestuck), M/M, Multi, Pranks and Practical Jokes, i mean it's based around april fools day but it is a real fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-01
Updated: 2018-04-01
Packaged: 2019-04-16 20:17:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14172609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teaandcharcoal/pseuds/teaandcharcoal
Summary: It's the first April Fools day since John moved in with Dave and Karkat. And given his penchant for pranks and the shit he's pulled the last few years... Dave and Karkat need to be ready for the onslaught and will do whatever they can do avoid the worst of it.(part of a series, but you don't have to read the rest to get this)





	The Dreaded Day

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the homestuck writers discord easter/april fools

Dave shakes you awake, hissing in your ear. “Get up! Get up!” he says.

Two seconds ago you were dreaming about wandering around your old neighborhood, but now you’re on your feet and snarling, eyes raking over your bedroom for any sign of the danger. The curtains wave slightly in the spring breeze and birds chirp outside, but aside from that there’s nothing. So why the hell did Dave wake you up?!

“What the fuck?” you ask him.

“Sorry, didn’t think you’d flip your shit that bad.” He says flatly.

“I come from a hell planet!”

“Right. Yeah.” He looks down almost bashfully. “Uh, okay now I feel kind of dumb but I need your help.”

“With what?”

“I have to piss like a racehorse but there’s no fucking way I’m going to the bathroom without a second set of eyes.”

You blink at him. “Why? It’s just down the hall.”

“I know,” he says. “But it’s April first.”

“So?”

“We live with John now.”

“Oh shit.”

You almost hadn’t believed the concept when you first heard about it. It had never come up during the three years you spent on the meteor. But humans, it seemed, had developed an entire holiday based around annoying and embarrassing each other. And in the Egbert and Crocker households, it was more sacred than 12th Perigees.

The first year you’d woken up to your hive covered in toilet paper and “happy april fools :B” spelled out on your lawncircle in forks. Every door in every communal building was opened just slightly and had a bucket of water perched on top for the unfortunate fool who opened it first. The second year all of your furniture outside the bedroom was turned upside down. Doorways everywhere had plastic wrap stretched across them. After that you made John and the Crockers promise not to go into peoples’ houses, but that just made them double down on any shared spaces. Last year there were airhorns taped anywhere a poor soul could accidentally set them off by opening a door or adjusting the height of a chair. Every can of soda was shaken and most food containers had springs placed inside. They did seem genuinely sorry for causing The Mayor so much distress, but that probably just means they’ll be staying away from things that he likes and continue upping the stakes.

Your initial plan had been to close the windows, lock the doors and hope that they would all be distracted by throwing pies at each other or something. But now… now John is living with you. And 364 days of the year that’s fine. Better than fine, actually. You human-love him more than you know how to express. But today… Today… 

You nod solemnly to Dave.

“Let’s go.”

The two of you make your way slowly down the hall. It’ll be nice to have backup, especially from a human. Your eyes might be better at catching little details hidden in the semi-darkness, but primates are better at noting the very slight differences in color that might give away the presence of something transparent.

But no, apparently the hall wasn’t his target. You make it to the bathroom without incident. The door is cracked just a tiny bit. You shove it open and take two steps back, preparing for the splash of a bucket that doesn’t fall.  Dave cautiously stalks in and approaches the load gaper. He lifts the lid of the tank and then silently gestures towards the sink. You go and carefully inspect the fixture. There’s no tape over the opening, and as you slowly turn the hot and cold taps it lets out a perfectly normal trickle of water. The soap bottle is present and correct and dispenses soap for you. The hand towel is nearby, and when you prod at it you don’t find any sort of concealed contraption.

“Sink’s clear,” you whisper.

“Same here,” Dave replies.

You quickly draw back the shower curtain, just to make sure he isn’t hiding in there with a bottle of shaving cream to leap out and scare you. He’s not.

Dave huffs. “Sorry for waking you up for a fat pile of nothing.”

“Don’t say that yet,” you say. “We still don’t know what he’s planning. I’ll watch the door.”

You step back into the hall and close the door behind you. You’d hope John would have the decency not to prank a man while his pants are down, but sometimes it’s hard to be sure what the standards are, or if he’d hold himself to them if he got excited enough. You strain your ears, hoping for a hint of the prank to come. All you get is the running water from the bathroom.

For a moment you dare to wonder if he’s let you off easy. If he’s decided to still put all of his efforts into public spaces so he can catch as many of you as possible. But no, as soon as you think it you know it’s not true. Ever since you made it to this new universe you’ve gotten better and better at sensing your friends. You feel John’s presence, warm and soft and soothing. There have been echoes of it here since he moved in, a lingering feeling that clings to the walls like a person’s scent to their clothes, but this is strong and fresh. He’s in the hive somewhere. Maybe everywhere, actually. He could be watching you right now, incorporeal and dissolved into the air throughout the building, just waiting to strike or for you to unwittingly spring his trap.

Dave comes out of the bathroom and the two of you switch off. You don’t really have to go that badly, but it’ll be nice not to have to make the trip alone later, in case John’s plan is to lull you into a false sense of security and then plastic wrap the load gaper or something.

You decide to skip the shower this morning. You don’t return to the bedroom immediately to get dressed either. A good proportion of human pranks seem to involve getting you wet or dirty, so it’s not really worth putting clean clothes on before doing at least a cursory sweep for the most offensive pranks. Together, you and Dave stalk down the stairs, keeping your eyes peeled.

As you get closer, your keen ears pick up on the sound of clinking dishes coming from the kitchen. You wave for Dave to follow you, like you’re in the black flaysquad. You round the corner and there’s John. Just sitting there. Eating some toast.

“Hi, Karkat! Hi, Dave!” he says, beaming and waving eagerly at the two of you.  “How’re you this morning?”

“Good,” you reply, walking in slowly, keeping your eye out for any traps.

When he notices your behavior John’s smile goes evil, almost predatory. “Anything exciting happen?”

Merciless Condesce, this man is normally a living cloth companion animal, he should _not_ be allowed to make a shiver run down your spine or the hair on the back of your neck stand up on end. But yet… You glance around, but nothing seems out of place.

“No,” Dave says. You feel the tension in his voice. He’s a coiled spring, ready to unleash his lightning reflexes on any object that might come flying in.

But John just says, “Huh,” and takes another bite of toast.

“The fuck is that supposed to mean?” you snap.

“Nuffin,” John says, he swallows. “’huh’ just means ‘huh.’”

You walk towards the coffee machine, not taking your eyes off of him until the last moment. No strange liquid inside the reservoir, this sink isn’t trapped either, you even open the tin and stick your nose in to see if he maybe replaced or mixed the grounds with something else. You can feel his eyes on the back of your head the whole time.

Dave is rustling through the cabinets. You glance over occasionally, just to spot him a little. He pulls out a box of cereal and carefully checks its contents.

“Hey, do you want me to make you something?” John asks. “I’d be happy to help you guys out!”

“Nah, we’re good,” Dave replies, sitting down at the table with some bowls, spoons, and the cereal.

John shrugs. “Suit yourself.”

You swing by the fridge to grab the milk. You inspect that too, swishing it around and even unscrewing the cap to sniff it. Everything seems… fine. Maybe he wants to make sure that you at least get one good meal in before the pranking onslaught. No. He’s got something set up. That “huh” made it clear: there’s something hiding in this house. You just haven’t found it yet.

The three of you eat in relative silence. John smiles at you as sweetly as ever, even tries to get you to indulge in a little game of footsie. It doesn’t immediately zap you, but you still keep your own feet tucked safe under your chair. You refuse to give up, even when he pouts.

“So…” Dave says, when John gets up to clear his plate. “You got other plans for today? Gonna go hang out in the lab, wait and see if anyone slips on some was floors you oiled up?”

John giggles. “Oh man, I wish! That’d be a good idea for next year, but no. Jake and Jade left town on a camping trip, and Kanaya explicitly told me she wouldn’t be coming in after I locked her computer in a loop of early 2000s fashion last year.”

You wince. “Shit, yeah, I forgot about that. Not sure how, since she wouldn’t shut up about it for a month.”

He shrugs. “But I mean, you weren’t that far off. I got up super early to get everything set up. Now for the fun part.” He gets up, puts his plate in the sink, and then stretches. “If you need me just shout. I’ll be around.”

And with that, he vanishes. There is a part of him that leaves, but his presence is still strong enough that you can tell he’s still partially here, if significantly more diffused.

Dave snorts, probably to cover up his nerves. “What a fucking nerd. I bet he thought that was super cool and dramatic too.”

You decide not to comment on the fact that he absolutely succeeded in unnerving you and instead just ask, “What do we do now?”

“Well,” he says. “The way I see it we can either stay in here, where there’s a thousand and one things that Egbert could have boobytrapped, or we can head outside where there’s fewer places for him to hide shit, but he could have teamed up with the Crockers and can use his wind powers to bowl us over whenever.”

“Ugh, since we’re gonna get pranked anyway, it might be fun to at least see some of the others suffer alongside us.”

“Yeah, I think I’m with you on that one.” Dave pauses for a moment. “But we should probably put on pants first.”

You look down at yourself. Technically speaking, you’re decent, but your shirt is clearly John’s and the pants are obviously Dave’s. Yeah, you could do without the suggestive eyebrow wiggling you’d get from the Lalondes if you went out like this.

“Pants first,” you agree.

So the two of you get pants. And shirts. You’ve got multiple layers on, actually, in case you step into something that would only make the first one filthy. Dave has fewer, but you don’t miss the way he shrugs on a windbreaker before you leave the house. Waterproof. Smart.

Fuck it’s gorgeous outside, though. It’s sunny and bright and the grass is green and flowers are starting to bloom. And there are no utensils or gaper tissue or stretchy circles spread around outside your hive. Of course, maybe that’s partially because John lives here too, and he knows you’d make him clean it up. It wouldn’t be fun, even for him, to prank himself.

 But that… perhaps that’s your salvation. You check one of the plastic chairs over for any obvious signs of tampering, then you drag it out into the grass.

“Babe?” Dave asks.

“The way I see it,” you say, “Inside John’s got secret pranks. If we walk around too far out here, I’m sure we’ll wander into something too. But if we sit still out here…”

“We’ll be able to see him coming,” He finishes.

“Exactly,” you reply, sliding into your seat.

Dave goes to grab another chair and brings it over beside yours. “So now we just chill out in the yard all day. Man, we should’ve grabbed drinks.” He flops down and tucks his hands behind his head.

“Too risky,” you say.

“Yeah, you’re probably right.” He sighs. “Some day he might actually follow through on the putting piss in my apple juice thing.”

“Wait what?” you demand.

Instead of responding, he grabs his phone.

“Dave, seriously, what the fuck?”

“Hang on a sec,” he says. “Got a text. Might be Crocker-bert watch.”

“You’ve still got that thing on? You’re a brave and foolish man, Dave Strider.”

“Huh,” he says, continuing to ignore you.

“Huh what?” you ask.

“Roxy just asked if ‘ours has done anything yet.’”

“Maybe she wants to know if we’re as bad off as she and Callie are?”

“I don’t think so.” He replies, typing quickly on the screen. “She made a confused face. I’m telling her no and asking if Jane has.”

The two of you wait for a moment, staring at his screen. The notification pops up with a simple “no :/”

“That’s just weird,” you say.

“They’ve got to be in it together,” Dave says. “I mean, they’re probably gonna try to lure us somewhere and drop something huge on our heads.”

“But how the fuck would they get us together? And why wait longer? Everyone’s got to be up by now.”

“Maybe it’s some online thing?”

“After last year’s rickrolling fiasco? No one’s going to have their computers on today.”

“Well then what else could it be?” He demands.

“I don’t know,” you grumble. “For all we know it could be nothing. Maybe they’re just getting off on having us anticipate this shit and giggling to themselves because they know there’s no payoff!”

A small smile twitches at the edge of Dave’s mouth and he says, “Shit.”

“What?”

“I know you were being sarcastic, but did you feel that?”

“Obviously not,” you growl.

“The temperature just went down like three degrees.” He chuckles. “John Egbert, you have no poker face whatsoever.”

There’s a short burst of wind and John reforms in front of you, crossing his arms and scowling. “I _told_ Jane it wouldn’t work!” he says.

“Wait, that was your plan?!” you demand. “You were gonna try to edge us on all day?”

“Well, until you figured it out. I was betting Roxy would get it first, but…” he shrugs, and then smiles. “But oh my God, while we had you going it was so great! You should have seen the looks on your faces when you were tiptoeing around the house!” He giggles adorably.

“Well,” you say, smiling, “I guess it _was_ a lot less damaging than last year.”

“Yeah, that’s why I agreed to it, actually.” The smile drops from his face. “The last few things we tried… most of you guys didn’t seem to really appreciate it. So we thought maybe something like this would be even more harmless? Honestly, all the actual pranking has been going on at Mr. Crocker’s house. I know you guys aren’t into it, but I needed to say something this morning because I didn’t want you to feel left out, or like I didn’t care enough to set something up for you, you know?”

“John, my dude, honey.” Dave gets to his feet and puts his hands on John’s shoulders. “We are not gonna feel left out if we don’t get sprayed in the face or have ‘kick me’ signs taped to our backs.”

“Really?” he asks.

“Fucking God,” you say, “Of course not! We’ll put up with it one day a year for you, but it’s not like we look forward to it!”

“Seriously,” Dave adds. He pushes himself up to give John a little kiss on the lips. “But I know the Crockers do. Do me a favor and fuck ‘em up.”

He chuckles. “Oh, I will. Do you want in on it or-?”

Dave scoffs. “And paint a target on my back for next year? No thanks.”

“We’ll be fine, John.” You say. “Go have fun.”

He comes over and squeezes you tightly.

“Okay, see you guys tonight!”

With that he vanishes again, probably to go track down Jane or her father.

“So,” Dave says, “You wanna go watch a movie or something?”

“Now that I know the TV won’t loop decades-old pop music? Absolutely.”

“Hey, it depends on the decade. Some of that stuff rocks.”

“Yeah, sure,” you say.

Dave hip checks you as he walks back towards your hive. You follow him in and close the door behind you, feeling confident that you’ll now be safe for the rest of the day.

Well, mostly safe, anyway. Apparently, John couldn’t quite resist putting some woopie cushions in the couch, but given all that had happened in previous years, you’ll take it.


End file.
